034: On Wanting More

emotional means testing, desire v. denial, & David Foster Wallace + Bloodroot Literary Magazine

I am not equal to my longing.
Somewhere there should be a place
the exact shape of my emptiness—
there should be a place
responsible for taking one back.

Jane Mead, from “Concerning the Prayer I Cannot Make”

The older I get, the easier it is to see that my existential journey is shaped like a spiral. I ask and answer the same two or three questions serially: Who am I? What is the purpose of my life? What do I do about what (or who) do I want? Each time I embark on an inquiry, I get a bit closer to something that feels like ground truth. I don’t pretend to be efficient about this; I kind of like getting lost in the arboretum for awhile and then finding my way out again.

Lately, the what do I do about what (or who) do I want? is back on active rotation. As an Enneagram 7, I am motivated to avoid pain and to do/think/see/experience every possible thing and so, in using the word want, I mean it in both senses—to lack and to desire.

When I was 8, I lacked a teacher who could meet my curiosity…